Dating Today

Dear Goldy:

 Bli ayin ha’ra, I have over a dozen grandchildren (and two great-grandchildren). I am concerned about two of my grandchildren who are in their upper 20s and lower 30s who are still single. They aren’t going the normal route of meeting with shadchanim or going to singles events. I’m afraid they have adopted the secular way of viewing marriage: Live life first before settling down. With my grandson, he’s more excited to tell me about a sport he’s involved in than a girl he may be involved with, and his cousin is no better. She’s always flying off somewhere, traveling. What fun is it to travel with a friend when you can travel with your spouse?

Once (or twice) a year, I give over the column space to a single. It’s usually an older single, recalling some of his or her experiences and asking the married frum community to consider something or another when trying to set up singles or inviting them to a Shabbos meal. The letter below is a little different. It’s a single talking to the singles and empowering them. I can’t tell you how many men and women need chizuk about shidduchim. But sometimes, before you are ready and want to look for a spouse, you need to love and accept yourself first.

My family spent the first days of Sukkos at a hotel. We had a very nice time. During our two-day stay, I became “fast friends” with the woman sitting at the table near ours, who also happened to be rooming on the same floor as us. She and I had nothing in common, except that we were married and had children. But we found, or rather she found, what to speak about. And her topic of choice was shidduchim. I can’t blame her; she has two sons in the parshah. And no, I did not tell her I wrote a book or currently write a weekly dating column.

A speaker once started his seminar by holding up a $100 bill. “Who would like this $100 bill?” he asked.

Every hand in the room went up.

By now we all know, I am not a feminist. I’ll let a man open a door for me. I’ll accept a whistle if I’m looking good. I’m not all about supporting women-owned business solely because I’m a woman or supporting a politician because she’s a woman. I don’t follow the herd. I think for myself. If I like a politician and it happens that she is a “she,” great. If I happen to love shopping in a store and it’s owned by women, even better. But I’ll also shop at men-owned businesses and vote for men. I am all for people: people supporting people because it’s the right thing to do. I draw the line at halachah. That is where things are clearly black and white re: men and women. And I’ll accept that a woman can’t ______ because “The Torah says so.” To me, that’s a good enough reason.

Dear Goldy:

I’ve always wanted to be a kollel wife. I’ve wanted to work and support my husband while he sits and learns. But I think I’m having a change of heart. The fantasy I have in my head is slowly disintegrating. I see my friends and my sisters, sisters-in-law, etc. and how they are living the life I thought I wanted. I’m beginning to ask myself if I want that life anymore or, rather, if I’m actually able to live it.