Dating Today

This article deals with a sensitive subject. I feel it is necessary to include this letter and topic because Orthodox Jews do not live in a bubble. Whatever happens in the secular world, can and does happen in the frum world, only it isn’t spoken about as much as it should be. Topics are seen as taboo when what really needs to be done is to have a discussion with preteens and teenagers about all of this before they end up learning on their own and you have no control over what source their child used or what he or she knows and understands. The more taboo you make the subject, the more teens may want to find out about it. That is why I am giving parents the opportunity to judge for themselves if they want their young children (young is subjective in terms of age) reading my column this week. Personally, I don’t know why it’s acceptable to have a “young” child read a column about dating at all, and if I write about something that is actually happening in the frum dating world, I am told the article was too crass because the Queens Jewish Link is a “family paper.” But I am told that ten-year-olds read my column. It’s not for me to say what another person’s child should or shouldn’t read. I don’t write for entertainment or for laughs. People have genuine questions and there are important topics to discuss.

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article that contained the phrase “present year.” That phrase has garnered a lot of attention. It was an unfamiliar term to me. When I asked for clarification, I was told (by my niece and her friend, both in the dating parshah) that the “present year” is the year before a husband/chasan attends school, goes to work…after he finishes the year or two, or whatever was agreed upon, of learning. This is the husband giving all of himself to his wife. She gets all of his attention and love, he helps out wherever necessary, they can travel. It is a year dedicated to the wife because it is felt that when the husband does attend school/go to work, he will not be able to spend as much time or attention on his wife, and she shouldn’t feel like she doesn’t matter because he is too busy to sit down for a three-course dinner or take a drive to a nice park to have a picnic.

How many times do I have to say, “If you’re old enough to date and marry, you should be the one handling your dating life”? Apparently, I haven’t said it enough times, because time and again I’m told that someone’s shadchan is “dealing with the boy’s mother.” First of all, he’s not a “boy” – unless you are referring to the fact that he is acting like a minor child who can’t make decisions for himself. If he is in college/graduate school or is working, then he is a young man, or a man, or a fellow, but not a boy! Boys don’t go on dates and mommies shouldn’t be getting involved either. Even mommies may interject their own feelings and think they are helping their child when they are eliminating many wonderful eligible young women for their sons to date, or they tell the shadchan what they are looking for in a daughter-in-law, not necessarily what their son is looking for in a wife.

People fall in love with people, not titles – I have always said that. But sometimes the title or position the person has only makes him or her more appealing to you. His or her personality counts just as much. If you like someone who has an alpha-type of personality, what happens if there is a change or a shift in life and that alpha personality goes away for a bit? The person you love is still there, but the drive, determination, and overall gestalt of the person that was one of the attributes that led you to love him in the first place is gone. Let’s say, for example, that depression sets in. What can you do? Now the person isn’t the same go-getter Type A personality you are attracted to. How can you get that drive and personality back? Sometimes there is nothing you can do but let time play out and be supportive.

This week, I’m the one with the question. And it was formed over a period of a few weeks, while watching my children as well as my nieces and nephews and some of my friends’ children. Practically all of them have a tablet, iPhone, or gadget of some sort that they either play games on or use watch cartoons/YouTube on. No, this has nothing to do with parenting and allowing kids to use electronic devices, so don’t worry. What I noticed with almost each and every one of those children is that when something comes on the screen that they don’t want to see, a “boring part” or a (GASP!) ad, they skip over it. These kids are always swiping right or left. They want to be entertained at all times. They can’t handle when something bores them. They don’t know what to do.

No real introduction is needed to this email. I have been where this woman has been and it’s not a happy place. I’m sure most of us can relate.

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