In a world full of cruelty and inhumanity, it is noble to strive to be a nice person. You may aspire to be gentle and empathetic to others. Do you go to great lengths to spare others pain? Eventually, however, you may be called upon to make decisions that will offend and be an affront to some.
If you speak up, you run the risk of being loathed or even shunned. Sure, you may have to tell your four-year-old that it’s bedtime and that playtime is over. Then again, it’s been said: Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep. You might have to inform him that he does not fit into your team and did not get the job. I’ve heard it said: Someone should start a rumor about a shortage of jobs so everyone will panic and go get one.
But seriously, some situations are immensely more dire. And you can be tempted to remain silent or delay the moment of truth. You continue to smile outwardly or even pretend to agree in order not to ruffle his feathers.
Indeed, the consequences of being honest and blunt can be difficult. People—even loved ones—can fly into a rage if they disagree with your political or religious outlook. They may threaten to end the friendship or relationship if an opposing view is laid before them. Then again, it’s been noted: The best way to make a good speech is to have a good beginning and a good ending – and have them close together.
You may simply decide to always tell her what you think she wants to hear. But life is not about constant agreement and mutual understanding. You might have an entirely different outlook or value system than all of them. You know what they say: Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
At times, you may have to take on the burden of telling people where you stand, no matter how unpopular your view might be. Remind yourself that you wish to acquire something of much more importance than popularity or acceptance from the masses. Know when to stand up and speak, and know when to sit down and listen.
We are collectively committed to the ideal of truth-telling as a society. Certainly you should not lie for your own benefit. Yet in certain situations you bend the truth. Your distant relative, whom you see on rare occasions, cooked something special just for you. So, out of loyalty to a bigger truth, you allow her to think it was simply delicious. You know that fuzzy green stuff on your leftovers is either a sign of intelligent life or a new kind of penicillin.
If you criticize her new hairstyle, she may take it as a rejection of her entire being, as we humans tend to do. Then again, friends don’t let friends have bad hair. They book salon interventions. Many of us are wounded to the core if someone merely finds fault with a seemingly inconsequential thing.
Please try to make your loved ones feel safe enough to share even controversial things with you. Embracing others’ views may even feel painful for you. You might feel as though you came down with a case of emotional indigestion. Yet you simply cannot insist that he agree with every one of your beliefs. It’s been said: The truth may hurt for a little while, but a lie hurts forever.
You can go through life feeling totally in the right and assuming he is monstrously in error for his opinions. Indeed, some of her viewpoints may be strikingly absurd to you. No doubt you struggle with many ideas that you, too, do not fully understand.
It could very well be that many are sunk in confusion or believe outright propaganda. Do not take it personally and, by all means, don’t take pleasure in feeling that she is totally wrong. Speak calmly and gently to your loved ones, even if you feel they are totally misguided.
By all means, hold on to your cherished beliefs. And know that the best way to persuade her is with your ears. Listen. It’s been said: Light travels faster than sound. That’s why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak.
And remember what Mark Twain said: The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
