Do your friends or mate fail to interpret your needs? We all crave boundless love. But know this: your friend, husband, or wife who at one moment can be wonderful and sublime may, at another, be antagonizing and even exasperating.
It takes a while to accept and digest this truth. In the beginning of the relationship, we meet the captivating, congenial side of him. At first, she seems to understand you fully. How did you choose your best friend, husband, or wife? Does it seem as though this happens somewhat mysteriously?
What does it even mean to “click” with someone? You know what they say: love means never having to say, “Who ate my fries?” Then again, behind every great couple is a man who remembered to take out the trash—and a woman who reminded him.
But truthfully, you may assume that what makes you likable are your accomplishments and achievements. That might have initially impressed her, but truly, it is not what draws people to you.
It is when you dare share the uncomfortable truths that lie beneath your facade. You admit how envious you are of her appearance or his career success. It’s been said:
“There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there.” But truly, you share how imperfect your family is despite the public image you portray to others.
Admitting your vulnerabilities can be quite dangerous. Some will mock you or hurt you with the knowledge. Social media can literally have a field day with your blunders. However, in the right hands, you are offering the most valuable of all things: your real self.
We all spend so much effort trying to appear strong and secure to people. Whom can you share a truly embarrassing truth with? Can you admit to feelings of worry or anxiety to him? Being able to share these very parts of you is what transforms acquaintances into true friends or mates.
Those revelations, sweet friends, are what actually make you endearing and appealing. Loving you is like eating pizza every day—amazing, but a little cheesy. Awww.
You may have family members or even friends who are harsh, unsympathetic, and quite critical. Sure, under pressure you may have been known to raise your voice or act grumpy and grouchy. You, too, worry how others see you.
You might have learned from your earliest years that you must disguise your vulnerability and wear that false front. You try to erase all evidence of your weakness or sensitivity. Do you ever try to appear a tad more “together” than you really are?
The revelation of weakness is far from being detrimental. It is actually the only possible route to genuine connection. Believe it or not, your uncovering and unearthing of failings and flaws may actually attract the right people to you. Humanize yourself and let her see how her inadequacies have echoed in your life as well.
Please do not expect him to rescue you. No, she cannot solve all of your problems or difficulties. But by sharing, you can make him feel more at ease to share his less-than-perfect side. Be strong enough to sometimes appear weak.
Deep down, everyone is wounded in some way. Welcome to the human race, sweet friends. Do not expend your precious energy trying to hide your perceived weak spots. Striving for perfection or an image is a terrible source of trouble. Your house need not always be tidy. It’s been said: “Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I.” Your child does not have to be a grade A student. Then again, it’s been said: “If you think your teachers are tough, wait ’til you get a boss.”
You will never be an ideal, picture-perfect parent, friend, or mate. But trust me, if you are trying, you are good enough. No ordinary human being is flawless or faultless. You may have some challenging moments in your relationship or friendship, yet it may still be “good enough.”
In the words of Nemo: “When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming.”
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
