One afternoon, before I got married, I went with a friend to a Yankees game. We brought sandwiches from home and figured it would be a good idea to wash our hands in a bathroom on the way up to our seats. After we washed, we realized it would be easier to buy drinks before we went up to our seats. There weren’t many people at the concession stand, so we got on line. When it was our turn, the cashier gruffly asked us what we wanted, and we both wordlessly pointed to the soda we wanted.
We forgot that most people in the outside world don’t assume you just washed for bread when you motion for what you want. The cashier clearly thought we were handicapped. Her tone immediately changed, and she spoke to us patiently, slowly, and loudly. “Sir, you would like to purchase a soda? Sure! Let me get that for you.” She handed us our drinks and we motioned a thank you. She in turn motioned back, then wished us a good day and that we enjoy the game.
Shlomo HaMelech states in Mishlei (27:19), “As water reflects back a face to a face, so one’s heart is reflected back to him by another.” Rashi explains that when one stares in the water, his facial expressions reflect back to him. In the same vein, when a person knows how another feels towards him, he can’t help but mirror those same emotions. The nature of people is to react with reflection. We act towards others the way others act towards us.
Beyond reflection, however, we act based on our surroundings, because we always want to fit in. When walking into a library, most people instinctively whisper because that’s what everyone else does. When walking through an amusement park, most people act leisurely because that’s what most other people do in an amusement park.
I had the great fortune to spend many summers together with Rabbi Mordechai Finkelman, the mashgiach of Yeshiva Ohr HaChaim in Queens. When I was a camper in Camp Torah Vodaas, Rabbi Finkelman was the Head Counselor. When I became a counselor and then division head at Camp Dora Golding, Rabbi Finkelman was the camp mashgiach (spiritual advisor).
Camp is by nature a place where people “chill” and act in more fun and informal ways than they do outside of camp. Yet, when Rabbi Finkelman was around, everyone seemed to act in a more dignified fashion. That’s not to say that it wasn’t also fun and exciting to be around him. In fact, part of Rabbi Finkelman’s greatness is that he is a camp veteran. Everyone who remembers Rabbi Finkelman from his many years in camp knows what a great actor he was in camp plays. He also wrote songs and was involved in all the classic camp activities. But everything he did was in a dignified manner befitting a person of his regal stature. When Rabbi Finkelman came to a late-night staff meeting, everyone was more careful with how they spoke and behaved.
In the presence of greatness, one acts differently.
At the beginning of Parshas MiKeitz, the Torah relates that in Pharaoh’s dream, “Behold, he stood over the River” (41:1).
The Midrash comments that the wicked see themselves as standing over their gods, as it says, “Pharaoh dreamed, and behold, he stood over the River” (the Nile being the arch-deity of Egypt). But as for the righteous, their Gd stands over them, as it says (regarding Yaakov’s dream), “Behold, Gd stood over him” (B’reishis 28:13).
However, when the Torah quotes Pharaoh’s recounting of his dream to Yosef, he says, “In my dream behold I was standing on the edge of the river” (41:17).
From the aforementioned midrash, it’s clear that saying he stood on the edge of the river, instead of over the river, is a greater expression of humility. What prompted Pharaoh’s sudden added humility?
In between, the Torah relates that Pharaoh told Yosef that he had been informed of Yosef’s reputation as an interpreter of dreams. Yosef unabashedly and humbly declared, “It is beyond me; it is G-d who will respond with Pharaoh’s welfare.”
Yosef’s declaration shocked Pharaoh. He couldn’t believe that a youth languishing in jail, now with a potential ticket to freedom, could state with humble conviction that G-d is the one who will intervene here. It had such an effect that Pharaoh himself altered his words when repeating his dream and expressed it with greater humility. Pharaoh himself was positively influenced by the words and persona of Yosef.
That essentially is the task of every person. Not only do we want to be people of sterling character and integrity, but we want to have a positive effect upon those around us, as well. If we find that people are comfortable speaking in a crass manner or speak negatively about others, we know that we have to “step up our game.”
People should naturally hold themselves to a higher standard in our presence.
As the beautiful Yom Tov of Chanukah comes to its luminous conclusion, we seek to hold onto its ethereal glow. How beautiful it is to bask in the glow of the candles. Every Jew has to be a candle: glowing, shining, guiding, and warming our surroundings.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is a popular speaker, columnist, and author. He is a rebbe at Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, NJ. and principal of Mesivta Orchos Yosher in Spring Valley, NY. Rabbi Staum is also a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and at www.strivinghigher.com
