Shortly after I became engaged to my future wife, I attended a bris milah in Lakewood. Since it wasn’t far from my kallah’s home, she met me there. When I saw her, I asked her if I can get her anything to eat. She smiled and politely declined.
A few minutes later, I met a rebbi of mine. When I told him that my kallah was at the bris, he asked me if I brought her anything to eat. I proudly explained that I had offered her some food as soon as she walked in, but she didn’t want anything. My rebbi pointed towards the food and instructed me, “Bring her a bagel, cream cheese, some eggs, vegetables, and lox.” I did as I was told and was surprised when my kallah indeed enjoyed some of the food. When I saw my rebbi a few minutes later and told him what happened, he put his hand on my shoulder and quipped, “And there’s your first lesson about marriage.”
People communicate with words. However, we also communicate without words, such as with nonverbal communication. To really understand another, one has to also hear the non-verbalized message. In fact, one’s tone of voice and body language can give a very different message than what is actually being verbalized.
As a simple example, if someone tells his friend that he really cares about him, while he is mindlessly scrolling and typing, the non-verbalized message, which is that he doesn’t really care, will be louder than what he is saying.
In addition, at times, there is also a strong message conveyed by what is not being said, more than what is being said.
Rabbi Yisrael Salanter once went to visit a young student who was sitting shiv’ah for his parent. When Rabbi Yisrael sat down, there was silence in the room. After a couple of minutes, Rabbi Yisrael initiated a conversation with his bereaved student.
After he left the house of mourning, Rabbi Yisrael’s students asked him why he began the conversation when halachah states that one may not speak until the mourner speaks first. Rabbi Yisrael replied incredulously, “Did you not hear his heart? He was practically screaming in pain.”
Rabbi Yisrael heard the cry of his student, despite the fact that his student had not said anything.
In all relationships, it is important that we be keen listeners to hear what is being said and what is not being said, or being said in other ways. Very often, the real message one wishes to – or needs to – convey is the hidden one, beyond the words being said.
There is a poignant example of this concept in Megillas Rus. After their husbands’ deaths, Rus and Orpah decided to remain with their (former) mother-in-law Naomi. At that point, Naomi tells them that they have nothing to stay for. “Return, my daughters; why should you come with me?… Return my daughters, go, for I am too old to have a husband… No, my daughters, I am very embittered on account of you…” (Rus 1:11-12).
Orpah hearkened to Naomi’s message and indeed returned to Moav, but Rus stubbornly persisted and proceeded to Eretz Yisrael with Naomi.
How could Noami’s message have had such a different effect on her two daughters-in-law?
The Minchas Yosef explains that Rus and Orpah heard different messages in what Naomi said. On the surface, it seems that Orpah listened to Naomi by leaving, while Rus defied her by remaining with her. But Chazal relate that the opposite was true: “Orpah turned her back (oref) to Naomi, whereas Rus saw (ra’asah, i.e., heeded) her words” (Rus Rabbah 2:9).
Rus listened to Naomi on a deeper level. When Naomi entreated Rus and Orpah to leave her, Rus recognized that Naomi had addressed them as “my daughters” twice (instead of “my daughters-in-law”). A mother, protests notwithstanding, does not abandon a child. Orpah heard the words alone, and they were clearly telling her to leave. Rus, however, heard the inner emotion behind those words. Rus heard the expression of a mother who desperately wants to hold onto her children. It was the tune, not the lyrics, that expressed Naomi’s true intent.
Hearing the emotion behind the words and non-verbalized messages goes one step further.
The Torah is referred to as a “shirah” – a song. “And now write for yourself this song; teach it to B’nei Yisrael, place it in their mouths.” Perhaps part of the idea behind the song of Torah is to recognize that Torah is not only about the actual words. The Torah wants to teach us ethics and values. Being a good Jew entails not only fulfilling the letter of the law, but also the spirit of the law.
Ramban writes that one can be a disgusting person without violating any laws. The Torah therefore instructs us to be holy. We must be noble and distinguished so that it is apparent that we are a divine
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, a rebbe at Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, New Jersey, is a parenting consultant and maintains a private practice for adolescents and adults. He is also a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding for over two decades. Rabbi Staum was a community rabbi for ten years, and has been involved in education as a principal, guidance counselor, and teacher in various yeshivos. Rabbi Staum is a noted author and sought-after lecturer, with hundreds of lectures posted on torahanytime.com. He has published articles and books about education, parenting, and Torah living in contemporary society. Rabbi Staum can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. His website containing archives of his writings is www.stamTorah.info.
