Dear Goldy:
I’m trying to figure out how to describe myself; but every time I do, it sounds conceited. Let’s put it this way: If I were a goy and went to public school, I’d be captain of the cheerleading squad.
I was never attracted to the captain of the football or basketball team. I always went for the quieter types. When I started dating, I was set up with captains of the football team, even when I told the shadchan that I wasn’t looking for that. Plain and simple: I was looking for a computer geek. My parents knew it and were fine with that. After all, it’s my life, and I should be happy with whom I date, and love the person I marry. I can’t help it that I don’t go for the guy who is the “big macher” or has to be the center of attention. I like what I like.
A couple of shadchanim thought I didn’t know what I wanted and that I was confused, because once they saw my dating profile and all that I’ve done and what I’m doing, they said I would be more comfortable with the equivalent of me in male form. I disagreed. They didn’t know me. It took a while, but soon I was set up with the type of guy I wanted to date. I had better times with them than with all the “big machers” I had gone out with before.
I became a kallah a few weeks ago. I’m very happy with my chasan and I love him. He’s the type of person I’ve always wanted to marry, and he himself is more than I could ask for. So why am I sending this email to you? Because I heard a few people refer to my chasan as a nerd, or nebach, and even one who said I could do much better.
How did I hear? My younger brother took some video at my vort, and little bits of conversations were picked up. I am extremely hurt. I asked my brother to delete the video, because I don’t want my chasan to see or hear any of it.
None of the comments make me doubt myself, my chasan, or my choice. I’ve heard people tell me to aim higher plenty of times. But to hear people actually say it (when they didn’t think anyone was listening) – and at my own simchah?! I feel like shouting that this is my life and my choice.
I think of movies where the cheerleader marries the high school quarterback and that’s it. That’s when they peaked. Ten years later, they’re still in their hometown, three or four kids, he’s working as a mechanic, reliving his glory days every time he pops a beer, and she can hardly remember a time when she and her husband went out on date night. The prom queen doesn’t have to marry the prom king.
I’m so happy. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it hurts that others aren’t happy for me the way I am when I attend someone else’s simchah. I want to tell these people that I heard them on the recording and how wrong they are. And most of all, they should pay attention to their own lives and not mine. But I can’t say that. My parents told me to ignore them and that people are stupid and don’t really know me, so why should I care. But I do care.
I don’t want people thinking bad things about my chasan or that he married above his level – which one friend joked about, and I told her how hurtful that was to hear.
I need you to give me words of chizuk since I don’t want to go to my chasan with these feelings. I don’t want him to have any negative feelings or to ruin his happiness.
Mindy
*****
Dear Mindy:
Mazal tov on your engagement! What a joy to read about someone who truly knows what she wants, finds it, and is thrilled with her choice. I hear your pain, though – and I’m so sorry that at your own simchah, instead of basking in unfiltered happiness, you had to hear such hurtful and unkind remarks.
Let me be very clear: You did not make the wrong choice. You didn’t “settle.” You married the person who makes you happy, who brings out the best in you, and who matches the vision you always had. That’s more than many people can say. You were wise enough to tune out the noise during dating - please don’t let it seep back in, now that you’ve found your chasan.
About that video - I hope your brother didn’t delete it. Save the memory of your vort. You can always mute the background and overlay it with music. What you captured was a moment of real simchah. Don’t let the whispers ruin it.
I’m also sorry that your friend made that terrible comment. I do hope you explained why it hurt. And yes – if she said it, others may think it, too. But that doesn’t mean you need to let it rent space in your head. People talk. They always will. That doesn’t make what they say true or worth your time.
As someone who has worked with people, studied relationships, and listened to countless stories like yours, I can say with confidence: You’re not the only one who’s heard these kinds of comments - and your chasan probably has, too. I can even imagine someone telling him, “Wow, you’re marrying her? You’re so lucky,” which, while intended as a compliment, can carry the sting of “you don’t deserve her.”
Your chasan may take that in stride, or it might sit in his head longer than you think. You’re right to want to shield him. But don’t let this fester inside you. If it’s bothering you that deeply, find a gentle, loving way to say it. Not to hurt him - just to let him know how much he means to you. Tell him: “I’m so happy I found you. I’m proud of you. Other people don’t get it – but I do.” That kind of reassurance can go a long way.
And don’t forget: This isn’t about anyone else. No one else is in your relationship. No one else gets a vote. They don’t get to weigh in on your happiness or your future.
So here’s your chizuk, straight and simple: You did great. You married right. And you’ve already proven that you have the strength to stand by what matters - not what others expect.
Ignore the noise. Hold your head high. And let the haters talk – while you go build a beautiful life.
Wishing you both a lifetime of brachah, laughter, and joy,
Goldy
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
