Dear Goldy:
I’m a horrible friend. I feel so bad for what I did to one of my closest friends, someone I’ve known for over a decade. I feel lower than low. But if I tell her what I did, I risk losing the friendship. I know she’ll be angry. I can handle anger. But I don’t want to lose her.
I went out with a guy I really liked last year. I had been trying to get set up with him for months. I finally found someone to set it up. We went out five times. They were the best five dates I had been on until that point. I was feeling comfortable, confident. I knew I was right about dating him.
But then he broke things off. He told the shadchan the usual line: “She’s great... but not for me.” I felt like the world had fallen out from under me. Yes, it’s dramatic; but after dating so many wrong guys and finally thinking I got it right, he ended it.
I was hurt and angry, and I really wanted to know the real reason: what he had said to himself that convinced him I wasn’t the one. It’s pathetic to admit, but if I had found out what it was, and it was something I could change, I would have changed myself for him. I know how sad that sounds, but that’s how I felt at the time. It took me weeks to get over him and the fact that he didn’t want to continue dating.
A few weeks ago, my friend was set up with him. She asked me what I thought. All she knew was that we had gone out. I don’t share details while I’m dating someone, and after he ended things, I didn’t want to talk about anything related to him; I was still hurt. Instead of telling her how great he is (or was), I gave an average critique. I told her it wouldn’t be a loss either way if they dated or didn’t. I called him “average.”
It was childish and petty. I didn’t want her to date him if he didn’t want to date me. Yell at me all you want; I’ve been berating myself since the words left my mouth. She ended up turning down the shidduch. But I know what a great girl she is, and he is a great guy. Maybe they’re bashert – or maybe not. But now she’ll never know.
What if I just ruined something that could have been? If I tell her the truth, I risk everything. She may think I destroyed her chance to meet her bashert. What’s worse is, I know he’s dating someone else now. It’s nothing serious, but it could become that. What if things work out for him – then I really messed things up for her. It’ll always be a “what if.” If she did that to me, I’d be furious.
What should I do?
Bad Friend
*****
Thank you for your letter, dear Bad Friend.
Let’s change your name. You did not do the right thing, but you are not a bad friend. You are 100 percent human. You were hurt when he ended things, and you didn’t want to see him dating – possibly marrying – someone close to you. But you said what you said, and now you’re left with the guilt.
In my opinion, you should speak with your friend. Be honest. Tell her how awful you feel. You didn’t give him a fair review; you made him sound less impressive than he is. You’re a big girl. Take the consequences. She’ll probably be angry (and rightfully so), but angry enough to end a decade-long friendship? That might be a bit much. You can’t miss what you never had, right? This is one of those cases.
Your friend might understand how you felt when she brought up his name – or she might not. I don’t know her, so I can’t say.
You were hurt when he ended things. But that doesn’t mean you should stand in the way of someone else’s happiness. Of course, if it’s truly bashert, it’ll happen regardless; but it’s not your job to steer people away from each other. Yes, I believe in honesty when it comes to dating and references, especially if something truly important needs to be shared. But in this case, you were acting out of pain. Your feelings matter, but so does your friend’s chance at happiness.
Now, the guy is dating someone else, so it’s not as easy as your friend calling back the shadchan and saying she changed her mind. You don’t need to tell her that you know he’s seeing someone. Just give her the truth and let her decide how to handle it. Maybe she won’t want to date him anymore. Or maybe she will and will call the shadchan anyway. There are a million ways this could go – but it has to start with truth.
I remember dating someone and being devastated when he broke it off. It was hard just putting one foot in front of the other. When I finally felt like I had moved on, I found out that he had become a chasan. That sent me into a tailspin – but not for long. I was grateful that his kallah was someone I didn’t know, because at the time, I couldn’t have handled seeing him regularly. I would’ve gotten past it eventually – but not then. It wasn’t meant to be for us.
Everyone deserves a happy ending, even if we’re not the “princess” in that story.
What matters is that you know what you did was wrong and you’re remorseful. That counts for something. Now, go to your friend and tell her – just as you wrote it. Don’t drag it out. Say it straight. Let her decide how she wants to respond.
And don’t say, “I understand if you’re angry at me. I’m angry at me.” People usually don’t care if you understand their feelings – especially if you’re the one who caused them. “I don’t need your permission to feel angry!” – that’s what you might hear. So give her space. She may be furious – or not. I don’t know.
Hashem runs the world. But let’s not put up roadblocks for Him or for others.
Also, I’m glad you now realize how wrong it would’ve been to change yourself for this guy. If someone ever says, “Change your voice and I’ll date you again,” that’s not your person. Your bashert will love the whole of you – voice, quirks, and all.
Hatzlachah to you and your friend.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
