Dear Goldy:
I am engaged to a great girl who is from a large family. The sisters seem so happy to have me marrying into the family. There is only one sister who is married, and her husband seems to be okay.
It’s the brothers that I’m having an issue with. They don’t seem friendly or want to get to know me. My kallah has five brothers between the ages of 22 and 11. When I pictured marrying into a family, I pictured brothers and sisters-in-law, nieces and nephews... I’m one of three children: I have an older brother who is married, but lives in Israel, so we don’t see much of him; and I have a younger sister in the parshah. I thought that joining a big family would be amazing. Maybe it’s me, but I’m not finding the brothers very welcoming. The brother-in-law is fine; he seems like he’s my type. We’ve spoken a couple of times, even laughed a few times, but there is a whole different vibe when her brothers are around. I asked the in-law and he said not to worry about them: “They’re a clan onto themselves.” I interpreted it to mean if you weren’t born into the family, it didn’t matter if you married in; you aren’t considered one of them.
The situation doesn’t bother me that much. I don’t have to be friends with my brothers-in-law, but my kallah wants “everyone to get along,” and they just don’t seem interested. Is this something I need to discuss with her or her brothers?
David
*****
Thank you for your email, David, and mazal tov to you and your kallah.
So, as I understand it, your future brothers-in-law aren’t lifting their glasses in l’chayim after l’chayim to welcome you in. They aren’t coming over to tell you embarrassing stories of your kallah or inviting you to hang with them – if they do hang out. What can you do? Nothing really. For all you know, they’re going through their own “teenage angst” and are too caught up in their own drama to even realize that they are making you feel less than welcomed.
Coming into a new family is hard, even when they are the most inviting. You have to get to know the do’s and don’ts, the family inside jokes, sometimes you’ll have an embarrassing moment with them until you “get with the program,” but that’s all in good fun. There’s a learning curve for everything, and families are their own sets of maps with roads, bridges, ditches, and expressways. I understand your kallah wanting her brothers to like you. It would be great if everyone got along and really liked each other. But sometimes that doesn’t happen and it’s not for lack of trying on either side. Maybe she envisions her husband and brothers going out to play basketball one night or going to a baseball game together. But life gets in the way and rarely do plans end up working out for a large group, unless there is a real commitment and a leader to ensure that plans stay on the schedule.
My friends and I are just three people and we have rescheduled meeting for dinner/ lunch three times in the last six months. We plan it out and then one of us isn’t feeling well, has to stay home because of a sick child, etc. We still plan, but life gets in the way. We reschedule and then cross our fingers that we will actually get to spend time together whenever we reschedule for. So don’t worry about not hanging out with them. Maybe you can start with the two older ones – they are probably closer to your age and you may find it easier to approach them this way than all five at once.
The brother in law seems like he can be an ally. You wrote that he seems to be your type. He also gave you a (sort of) warning about the brothers. “They are a clan onto themselves.” That doesn’t sound too inviting. Do they accept blood oaths if you want to join their clan? I can’t believe that they are going out of their way to make you feel this way, but you and the other brother-in-law can’t both be so off the mark about this.
Let me ask you: Are the brothers close with each other? Yes, they are a “clan onto themselves,” but do they do things with each other? Are they close-knit or are you just getting the same feeling from all of them? Let me ask you another question: Are you and her brothers hashgachically compatible? This isn’t a question just for the male and female who are dating; it’s for everyone coming into the family, too. I know of a family where the four sisters are very modern, but their brother is living the yeshivish lifestyle with his family. The sisters and their husbands get together often, but they aren’t close with their brother or his wife. The sisters love and like them and when they are all together, everyone gets along – but they don’t call the brother or sister-in-law as often as they call each other (or even at all) or invite them out for a Sunday Funday. Some families are like that. At least her sisters seem to like you. But females may be easier to win over than males. And girls do love planning parties and going shopping – and you just gave them a reason to do it all.
But seriously, I don’t think this is something you have to worry over or speak with a brother about. You’re new. Get a lay of the land first. Test the waters. You’ve known your kallah for months, but you’ve probably met with her brothers (and the rest of the family) a handful of times. Let them get used to having you around. Talk about common interest. Get to know them and let them get to know you. And what if after all that you don’t get the warm fuzzies from them? Not much you can do. Tell your kallah that you’re trying, but you can’t force people to like each other, even if they are family. Don’t rush this. Let nature take its course. At least you know that you and the other brother-in-law are okay with each other. In the coming years, new brothers-in-law will be joining the family. They, too, will have to deal with the brothers, but they will also have you and the first brother-in-law to give them the welcome that you (and possibly the other bro-in-law) never had. All the married in brothers-in-law can be their own clan – but before we start dividing up, let’s give it time and see what happens. Maybe you should make the first move instead of waiting for one of them to do it. And if it doesn’t happen, then you can know and tell you kallah that you really did try.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
