Nobody knows everything about everything. I am the first to admit when I don’t know the answer to a question or how to do something, and so I ask for help. A great leader knows when to lead and when to listen. A great leader doesn’t always have to have the answer. They also know when they need assistance. I’m not comparing myself to any sort of leader. I’m simply saying that I don’t think I know everything, and I know my limitations.
I’m sometimes asked, “What questions don’t you answer in your column?” First let me say that I respond to every email I receive. It may not be a lengthy response and it may not be sent within 24 hours of receiving the email, but I respond to everyone who took the time to send an email. There are times when I don’t know how to answer. It’s something that I may not know enough about or is too serious a topic for my column. Remember, the Dating Today column is a column to discuss and answer questions re: dating today. Simple, right? Yes, some emails surprise me and may leave me with my mouth wide open after reading, because I thought I had heard everything – until I read this particular email and now, I’m speechless. But basically, the column is a place where readers of the QJL can come for a smile or a laugh. It’s comic relief, if you will. The world and our neighborhood may seem scary with what we hear on the news. So, in the DT column, you can rid your mind of wars, violence, politics (??!!) and drop your anxiety at the door for a minute.
When I get a serious question that is not intended for light reading or appropriate for me to weigh in on to try to turn into a positive and not negative, I let the sender know. I never said I was “the great and powerful Oz.” I do my best to help people and to give my opinion of what they ask. They can take or leave my advice. I’m a regular person, a mother, wife, a neighbor. I’m not well-versed in many things, which brings me to my second point: Secondly, I have always said that I will never answer a question that involves halachah. I do not mess with the Torah or halachah. I have also written that I will not address mental illness or taking of medications or when to admit to someone you are dating that you have issues. I don’t want to affect shalom bayis either. Some questions sent to me are on the fun side or semi-serious side. But I will never publish or provide advice to someone when it could affect a shalom bayis. It’s not for me to weigh in on such issues. I do not want to be responsible for fights or breakups in a family. Questions like the ones that I mentioned above, I leave for the professionals. Each situation is different, and one answer can’t apply to another situation, even if it seems similar. Besides, no one really gives all the facts or an impartial account of what’s really going on. How can I advise when I know there is so much I don’t know about the situation? I try to stay far away from those questions. And why would you take advice from a columnist you really don’t know regarding major life questions and issues? That’s a question to ask yourself before sending the email. But I do get those types of questions. I do not even try to answer them. I am not the one to advise them with this issue and to find a qualified professional.
“But what questions don’t you answer?” Again, I respond to all questions. But many may find that my answer is: “I really don’t know. This isn’t a question I feel comfortable answering. Please consult a professional who is experienced with such questions or matters.” I wish the person good luck and always add that they can feel free to email me once they do figure out what to do, because I am curious and I care about what happens in the end, even if I couldn’t offer any assistance.
“But what don’t you answer?!” I guess the person wanted actual examples of questions they will not read in this column. Let me provide some examples of questions I received but did not and will not answer.
“I’ve had a boyfriend for a few years. My parents hate him. But I’m not a child anymore. I live on my own, am a mature adult, and we love each other. I stopped trying to push my boyfriend down their throats. The whole thing upsets everyone. He stays home if there are family simchos or casual get togethers. The fighting that will happen or the tension in the air is not worth it. Now, we’re talking about getting married. How do I tell my parents?” This is different from your typical dating question. Shalom bayis is what is at stake here, along with trust issues and a few more big doozy topics. I can’t honestly say, “It’s your life, your parents can either accept it or not...” Family is so important to me. I can’t have it on my conscience that I advised someone to do something that caused anger, tears, hurtful words to be said in a family.
“My girlfriend isn’t Jewish. She’s willing to convert if we get married. I was always told that converting had to be because the person really wants it for him/herself, not for any other reason. I love her. What should I do?” I’ve only received a few questions like this over the last decade. And to all of them I respond to consult a rav who is involved with geirus. I, too, was taught that a non-Jew can’t convert because he or she wants to marry a Jew. I will not touch these types of questions with a ten-foot pole.
“I have low-level anxiety. From what I’ve read and know, and from what my therapist tells me, everyone has some type of anxiety. I am taking medication to control it. I don’t have panic attacks, but sometimes I get very anxious. My parents told me not to mention my anxiety or therapist or medication to shadchanim or to dates. But isn’t that like deceiving people? I’m not trying to hide anything, but they’re scared that once someone hears “anxiety and meds,” they’ll run away screaming and I’ll be labeled. I’m not on any anti-psychotic meds, I don’t hear voices; I just get nervous and am able to control it with a pill. What do you think?” Again, I am not advising someone in this position. There is a lot involved here and many opinions. I know that I’ve written that I don’t need everyone who reads my column to like it or like me, but I don’t want to write about something that can cause such an upheaval on many levels. I’d rather not get involved because, again, I am not an expert or near expert on the topic.
“I was raised in a good, frum house. I went to yeshivos all my life, my friends are all frum. I’ve been dating for years and haven’t found the right girl. Even if she’s perfect on paper, she isn’t perfect for me. A lot has been happening in my life and I think I may be gay.” I will cut off the letter here. The writer provided examples of what is making him think and feel this way. And then I was asked what the person should do. No. I won’t and can’t answer or assist this person. That is a very serious question. And there are halachos dealing with this topic. I have gotten a few letters similar to this one. I apologize to the writer for the difficult time they are going through, but I advise them to speak with a professional about this. [I really do get letters like this. The subject is very taboo, but it doesn’t mean that people aren’t having an issue and don’t need help. So, I ask that you publish this particular snippet of this letter.]
“I am married with three children and met someone...” I think we all know which direction this question is heading, so I will stop here. I will not advise about any such thing for many reasons. And will leave it at that.
“There is a history in my family of ________ (insert serious illness here.) Am I required to tell shadchanim or someone I date. It’s a family history. But every family has a history of something – even diabetes. Diabetes is genetic and runs in families. Are you responsible for letting people know about your family history of diabetes or serious illnesses? Diabetes can affect or not affect my children...” I am not answering any type of illness question, mental or physical. There are too many layers and too many opinions.
I hope this helps. Those that wonder, “What doesn’t she publish? Are they juicy questions or halachic questions?” I always treat every question sent seriously. Someone cared enough to sit down, type, and send it. I don’t think of these questions as “juicy.” It’s someone’s life. I take the job of being a columnist seriously. Someone may follow my advice, and then my words have had an effect on their life. Sometimes my answers may seem flippant or off-the-cuff. A lot of thought goes into every response, even with the jokes I use in responding.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
