Stop acting like a child. Sheesh. “Act your age!” she yelled. Faced with certain challenges, you can easily revert to a much earlier stage in your development. Reason and logic can go out the window as we feel panic, anger, or even despair. The situations that create the shift from adult to child are actually a guide to your past hurts or trauma.
Your past stress and suffering can literally arrest your development at a certain age. A part of you can remain fixed, such that even if you are an adult, you may resemble the frightened or angry child you once were.
Can you even notice when you make that shift? What situations activate past pain? Do you get worked up when someone cuts you off on the highway? Then again, it’s been said: The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. How about when a mate or friend adopts a critical manner toward you?
You might be totally unaware that this reminds you of something painful in your past. Perhaps you had been accused falsely or were treated with neglect or mean-spiritedness. Events in the here and now can hint at the bullying you once suffered in school.
Notice how quickly you become childlike when those memories emerge. Heck, I’m about to start my own YouTube channel just so my kids will start listening to me. But truly, the mature part of you may have to lead that inner child carefully around that traumatic memory. Knowing the perceived danger will keep you from collapsing when faced with moments of pressure and pain.
In order to heal yourself, you must first understand what went on in your past. We oftentimes do not remember much of what happened until the age of 7. At the time, much of what we experienced in fact seemed “normal” to us. After all, it was all we knew. Then again, it’s been said: Motherhood is just repeatedly getting up after having just sat down two seconds ago.
They say that a teenager’s sole purpose is to remind parents why some animals eat their young. Always have a teenager in the house. That way there is always someone there who knows everything. But seriously, you may have sensed at times that something was “different” about your parents, but you dared not explore that too deeply as a child. In the present, however, you can take a look at who you are. The truth is that if you simply consider what you are afraid of, you will learn what you once feared as a helpless child.
Are you afraid of rejection, being left out, or misunderstood? Do you fear failure? This, sweet friends, will offer you insight and tools for your healing and recovery. Someone in your past gave you a message that perhaps you were not good enough. Someone may have intimidated or even terrorized you.
If someone gave you an experience of extreme nastiness, you can now face what you underwent. We would all love to imagine that we had a stable household and caring friends. But if you review your past with courage and compassion, you will no longer need to project your pain onto others in the present.
The difficulties you face in the here and now most likely have origins in the past. I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up, or is there a number to call? Then again, anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead should try talking to a child at bedtime.
But truly, the more you understand past sorrow and learn about it, the more free and liberated you can begin to feel. Trace back to the root of your suffering, and you can begin to unburden yourself from a fear-laden life.
After all, we all want soothing and attachment. If your needs go unheeded, you may become angry or depressed. If you experienced early letdowns, you can feel unworthy of love. Anger or disappointment may feel familiar as self-doubt and loneliness become constant companions.
Do you interpret many things negatively? Please accept that you do deserve love. Separate past trauma from present reality. No one will make up for a lifetime of downheartedness. In time, and with the right support and guidance, you can mourn your past hardships and heartbreaks.
You are way more resilient than you think, sweet friends. And as they say: May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Instagram.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
