If you’re looking for a nice place to visit this summer to look at some niflaos haboreh, and maybe remember why you don’t live there, I would definitely recommend Niagara Falls, at least for the purposes of this article.
Niagara Falls is a major tourist destination, packed with activities that are all focused on how water is flowing from a higher place to a lower place. Like usually, water goes downhill. But this time, it’s falling off a cliff. All the places that the river does what it’s supposed to do, that’s not impressive. Niflaos haboreh is when it doesn’t.
Where is all this water coming from? Why doesn’t it run out? These are questions it’s better not to ask. You don’t want to jinx it.
The bright side is that this destination is pretty much rainproof, because every activity gives you raincoats of a different color. If you do all of these activities with your family, you will come home with the biggest pile of moist, garbagey, ineffective raincoats you will ever see.
And the attractions are educational as well. Many of these attractions talk about how, in 10,000 years from now, the waterfall will cease to exist, and you’re like, “Well, it’s a good thing we went this year.”
So what are you waiting for? Here are some of the attractions you can do:
(NOTE: Every time you see the falls from any of these attractions, you are required to say, “Look! It’s the falls!” Otherwise, they kick you out.)
Maid of the Mist
No visit to Niagara Falls is complete without a trip on the Maid of the Mist, according to federal law. You are not allowed to visit Niagara Falls without going on this boat ride. When you go back through the border, they make you present your raincoat as proof. Actually, they don’t, because only Jews keep the raincoats.
Maid of the Mist is a boat ride that brings you straight to the bottom of Horseshoe Falls, where you can see... well, you can’t see much of anything, because of the mist. And wearing glasses will only make it worse. But as soon as you can open your eyes, you’ll say, “I bet we were at the bottom of those falls before!”
And you never know — yours could be the trip that fishes somebody out of the water who went over the falls!
(Cards on the table, this has only happened three times.)
This ride runs on both sides of the river. The one on the Canadian side currently calls itself Hornblower, but everyone still calls it Maid of the Mist. And frankly, they should stop trying to make Hornblower happen. No one’s on it because of the horn. I’m not even sure they used the horn. I wasn’t paying attention. There wasn’t that much traffic down there. It was just us and the Maid of the Mist. And it’s a good thing there isn’t traffic, because both captains are probably driving around with their eyes closed.
Journey Behind the Falls
In this attraction, you take an elevator down to a network of tunnels for a unique experience wherein you can see what the falls look like from behind. They look about the same. But actually, a little worse. It looks like a wall of white. You can’t see anything. In fact, you’re not even sure you’re behind the falls. That’s just what they tell you. It would be a lot easier and cheaper for them if you were not.
See, you picture that you’ll be walking along the falls in a groove dug out in the cliff, but really, you’re walking through a concrete tunnel. And then, at two spots in the tunnel, there’s another tunnel branching off that dead-ends in a wall of water that they won’t let you go near, and they gesture toward it and go, “That’s the falls,” and you go, “Oh.” And you give them twenty dollars.
And then you take a photo that you’re going to have to explain to people.
Niagara SkyWheel
Looking at the falls from higher up is a popular type of attraction too, particularly the farther you get from the falls. Sure, you can get a hotel room that overlooks the falls, but those are expensive. So instead, there are attractions that get you just as high up, though for less time, and by the time you’ve paid for your whole family, it’s more expensive than the hotel room.
One such attraction is the Niagara SkyWheel, which is an enclosed Ferris wheel that takes you up, and you say, “Look! It’s the falls!” and then the people facing the other way go, “Where?” and rock the entire cabin.
And then you all switch seats, very carefully.
They couldn’t build the thing at an angle so everyone could see? No, they needed room on the ground for the mini-golf course. People are coming all the way out to Niagara Falls to play themed mini golf, but not falls-themed. Dinosaur-themed! That’s why I’m here.
Skylon Tower
This is a good attraction if you’d like to go even higher, but without all the swinging, at least. That way, not only can you see the falls from above, you can see the nightly fireworks from above! They’re definitely less impressive that way. Imagine you try to set off fireworks on the ground, and they only fly up to waist level.
The Skylon Tower gives you 360° views, which basically means a couple of degrees of the falls and then you can look at the rest of the city if you have any interest, which is mostly about trying to find your hotel, seeing if you’re higher up than the Ferris wheel, and pretending you can see Toronto.
“I bet that’s Toronto!”
“Actually, it might not be.”
“Quiet. I’m telling my kids that’s Toronto.”
At least in the Ferris wheel, it’s just you and your kids, and you can tell them what you want.
Cave of the Winds
This is another activity — this one on the American side — where they give you a raincoat and you take an elevator down and walk almost directly under the falls on wooden platforms and wonder, “Why is it called Cave of the Winds? I do not see a cave.”
The cave is the elevator tunnel. They’re advertising their elevator.
No one is there for the elevator, though. We’re there to get wet. We drove 6½ hours for mist. Yet we keep taking the raincoats they give out.
You get pretty wet on this attraction, though. So wet, in fact, that they used to give out slippers until they discovered that it was cheaper not to. But they don’t tell you this until you get down the elevator, so you end up squishing around in wet shoes the rest of the day.
But despite the name, there’s no cave and I’m not sure there are winds. That said, Maid of the Mist doesn’t have a maid either, although the boat is pretty clean. But that could be because of the mist.
Cave of the Winds is actually part of this whole beautiful park that smells heavily of seagulls. The seagulls are almost exclusive to the American side, because they’re not welcome in Canada. That’s a fun fact. The other side has geese.
There are also other adventures you can have that focus on niflaos haboreh but have nothing to do with the falls, such as the:
Whirlpool Aero Car
This is a cable car that holds 30 people and goes across the river, from Canada to… well, Canada, somehow. It’s called the Whirlpool Aero Car, because when you’re on it, you spend the whole time saying, “Where’s the whirlpool?” Whatever you picture in your mind when you think of a whirlpool, that does not exist beneath the cable car.
And they don’t let you off at the other end. You get to the end, and the guide says, “Okay, now everyone needs to walk around the perimeter of the car so that you can see the scenery on the other side on the way back! The car stops for 15 seconds. Go!” And it’s like he has never been to a shul during Hoshanos, because the entire trip back is spent trying to get everybody to keep walking to where they need to be in a timely manner.
Butterfly Conservatory
If you really want to go somewhere that has nothing to do with the water, you can go to the Butterfly Conservatory, which is an indoor aviary — like zoos have for birds — but it’s built just for butterflies. (Not originally. The birds kept eating the butterflies.)
Before you go into the conservatory, they show you an orientation video that tells you that, above all, you should not try to grab a butterfly. You have to let it land on you. So the whole time you’re walking through the aviary, you will be passing people who are standing perfectly still, waiting for butterflies to land on them.
This is a good activity if you like standing still.
“What are you pointing at?”
“I’m not pointing at anything. I’m waiting for a butterfly to land on my finger.”
They’re bugs. We want bugs to land on us. Anywhere else in the world, a bug lands on you, you go SLAP! Here you go SLAP, and they charge you money.
Next year I want to go to a bumblebee conservatory. Or a spider conservatory.
Butterfly Tip: What we noticed is that the butterflies most likely to land on you are the ones that somewhat match your clothing — probably for camouflage reasons. So every picture we have of butterflies on us involves grey ones.
Maybe we should have put on the raincoats.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
