This week we present part 2 of our FAQ column about earthquakes. We started talking about this last week, but we had to stop in middle. But not because of an earthquake.
Um, is this something you should joke about? Don’t people die in earthquakes?
Those are not the kind of earthquakes we’re joking about. We’re joking about the kind where people are confused for a moment and then think it was something they did, like in the first few seconds of a blackout. It’s like how I make jokes all the time about tripping, but in reality, people can die from tripping. I could have some reader who will say, “My grandmother tripped while bungee jumping, and they hadn’t attached the rope to her yet.” But that’s not the kind of tripping we’re laughing about.
It happens to be there are over 500,000 earthquakes a year, and you only hear about 1 or 2 of them on average. Only about 100,000 can even be felt, and only about 100 cause any damage at all. That’s 1 out of every 5,000 quakes, or a fiftieth of one percent. That’s down there with the odds of your grandmother tripping while bungee jumping. And that’s besides for the millions of earthquakes every year that are too weak to be detected.
How do we know about those?
Kabbalah.
Point is, the fact that most of us have made it this far in life and have never felt an earthquake is nuts. But also, statistically, this article might come out just in time for another earthquake. Though this is not what I’m hoping for. It’s not like when I write about snow in preparation for the winter, and then it doesn’t snow at all.
Why are there earthquakes?
I am not on a madreiga to say why Hashem makes major earthquakes, but minor earthquakes seem to exist mostly to give us something to talk about on the way home from shul on Friday night.
“Did you feel the earthquake?”
“The first or the second?”
“There was a second?”
“Yeah, at 6:00.”
“My house is always shaking at 6:00 on Fridays.”
It also gives the rav something to talk about if he’s stuck preparing his drasha.
It’s like they say -- a minor earthquake on Friday is a bracha.
No, I mean scientifically why are there earthquakes?
That’s a good question. Everything I know about earthquakes I learned from my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Stein, who also taught me everything I know about penguins. We spent months talking about penguins, and how the father penguin hatches the eggs and carries the babies on his feet. (I think Mrs. Stein might have been having sholom bayis issues at home.) But then for 1 or 2 days, she pivoted to earthquakes. I don’t remember much of what she said, because she mentioned something about plates underground, and I was wondering, “Why are there plates underground?” and by the time I zoned back in, I had missed most of what she said.
So I’m going to do the best we can:
Basically, we think of Earth as this giant ball of – well, earth, but it’s actually a bunch of plates held together by gravity. Not stacked neatly, like in a China cabinet. And right under those plates is the core of the earth, which is always on fire, so the plates are always shifting against each other like the cover of a pot on a flame before you decide you’re sick of hearing it and you put the cover on at a slant.
If you have any further questions, you can call Mrs. Stein, which is her real name, but I have no idea which Stein she is.
What should I do during an earthquake?
Not much. It’s over in about 10-30 seconds. You want to get some light reading done or something? Tehillim is okay.
No, I mean what should I do safety-wise?
Oh, okay. The first tip that everyone has heard of is that you should immediately get under a sturdy piece of furniture. So not anything that’s been made in the last 30 years.
How is my furniture going to be sturdier than my house?
Why is the entire plane not made out of the black box?
What qualifies as a sturdy piece of furniture?
You have to test it before you buy it. Jump on the couches at the store. If the staff tries to stop you, they clearly have something to hide. Alternatively, go to a furniture store right before an earthquake and see which furniture the staff ducks under. Or if they just run outside.
Should I just run outside?
Experts recommend you don’t. There’s nothing to see out there. There’s no truck. People are running outside because they suddenly have something in common to schmooze about, but there’s nothing to gather around while they shmooze, so it would be pretty awkward. Especially if you live near tall buildings, because if someone at the top of a tall building drops a penny, it could be disastrous for a gathered crowd. Power lines are not great either.
Most of the danger in an earthquake is man-made, so it really depends where you live. Most people live inside, though, which is where experts recommend.
Isn’t the earthquake over by the time you get outside anyway?
There are still aftershocks to worry about.
Why are there aftershocks?
I was not listening to Mrs. Stein anymore by this point.
How long after an earthquake can there still be aftershocks?
Well, after a certain point it stops being called an aftershock and is just called another earthquake.
So what is the safest place to be in an earthquake?
The safest place would be the desert, or possibly the moon, under a sturdy piece of furniture, with safety instructions posted underneath.
What do I do if I have no sturdy furniture?
Try to get on really great terms with your bubby, so that you’re the first person she thinks of when she’s trying to get rid of something or if she trips while bungee jumping.
Alternatively, you can crouch near a wall, but not one that has windows. Or a huge mirror. And not in a room with a chandelier.
What else do experts recommend?
Experts recommend that before you do so, you run around grabbing heavy dangerous items that you don’t want falling on the floor and putting them on the floor. Also, put all vases on the floor. Detach your chandelier and put it on the floor. Also, push all the seforim as far back as you can. And bolt all the seforim shranks and China cabinets to the walls.
Make sure to get all this done before the ground stops shaking. You have about 30 seconds.
I should do all of this during an earthquake?
No, you should do a lot of this beforehand, because you don’t want to be on a stepladder.
Is there a good way to remember what I should do?
In areas with a lot of earthquakes, they teach kids to do 3 things: Stop, Drop, and Roll.
No, sorry, it’s Drop, Cover, and Hold On. Same thing.
So I shouldn’t stop before I drop?
Not this time, no.
Well how come when I’m on fire I have to stop before I drop? Also what if I’m on fire during an earthquake?
Okay then you can stop, drop twice, roll for cover, and then hold on. Or you just get the message.
What about Stop, Look, and Listen?
That’s for railroad crossings. Though it’s pretty much what I did during the last earthquake.
These people think they’re so clever coming up with three-word things to do, but they can get confusing. The last thing you want at a railroad crossing is for someone to Stop, Drop, and Roll.
What does “Hold on” mean?
It means that even sturdy furniture can start vibrating across the floor, so you want to hang on to it, or at least move along with it.
I did not do any of this.
Yeah, well the problem is that you don’t know until afterward what size earthquake it was.
What else do they recommend?
Experts recommend preparing an emergency kit containing first-aid supplies, a flashlight, a phone charger, and a radio that doesn’t have to plug in. For Yidden, they recommend a larger kit that includes spare tefillin, a Siddur with Tehillim, a gartel or tourniquet, a pacifier, grape juice and rolls, and a workable sheitel for your wife so she doesn’t have to walk around outside with a desk on her head.
Then, after the earthquake, turn on the radio and listen for warnings and instructions and people calling in to talk about their dogs and their experience crouching under furniture with those dogs. And for whether alternate side has been suspended.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
