Are you aware that you have a script in your mind? Indeed, we all have expectations about how our lives will unfold and evolve. Oftentimes, we respond to those events in highly unproductive ways, stemming from the worst moments of our childhood.
When you made a mistake as a child or disappointed your parents, what happened? Did your dad or mom demean or belittle you? If so, you may now never admit when you are at fault or wrong. If your trust was betrayed, you may never truly open up to anyone again. If he doesn’t text every hour on the hour, you might feel abandoned.
Trust me—these narratives tell you a great deal about your past, sweet friends. They need not determine your future, however, and yes, you can rewrite your screenplay. In the present, when she points out a mistake, there’s no need to crash out. You may feel as though you will be embarrassed like when you were a child, but remember: It’s the here and now.
Speaking of parenting, it’s been said: Your biggest parenting conundrum—why is it so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep? What is parenting like, you ask? You know all those side effects they list on prescription drug commercials? It’s like that. But I digress...
Your loved ones will surely let you down at times, but remind yourself that they can still love you a great deal. Your feelings need not escalate uncontrollably. What happened way back in your past does not have to keep happening in the present.
Remember that we were all extremely vulnerable in our early years. Many of us did not receive the care and tenderness we sorely needed. As a kid once said: Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for example. Or as a mom once said: My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 a.m. because we let her stay up five hours past her bedtime last night.
But truly, perhaps you felt misunderstood, and as a result of that, you developed a wound. We all have wounds. In order to cope later in life, we develop defenses.
If, for instance, you felt highly neglected, to protect yourself you may become fiercely independent to prove you need no one. Your defenses do protect you, but they exact a huge price, as they are not relevant to the situation you face in the present.
The price you pay for avoiding intimacy so as not to get hurt again may leave you with superficial and shallow friendships and relationships. You know—the wrapping is lovely, but the box is empty.
We all walk around with symptoms that we do not even acknowledge, sweet friends. Your fulfillment, however, lies in becoming more self-aware. What are some of your negative habits or compulsions? Ask yourself, how does this behavior help me? Is there any upside to it at all?
What was it about your past that made your life difficult? What wounds need to heal? So, you protected yourself, which is admirable. Realize that now those defenses do not serve a purpose whatsoever.
You pay a heavy price if you cannot enjoy true closeness or trust anyone. Gently let go. Do not remain stuck in sadness or numbness. Embrace the freedom of your future self. Dare to be real. Shed some of your pride and let her know how lonely you sometimes feel. Share your moments of unhappiness with him.
It’s been said: What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. I know you’re having an “out of money” experience. But seriously, do not concern yourself with status, reputation, or money. Please do not worry about appearing “normal” or put together all the time. Have the courage to admit to your tendencies for selfishness or jealousy.
Instead of allegedly loving humanity, try developing a deep love and tenderness for one individual. How does that compare with career triumphs or public esteem? Once you observe the weirdest parts of yourself, you can fully understand the oddest parts of him as well.
And bear in mind: It’s been said, if you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
