On Tuesday evening, January 7, Tuesday Torah Talks, hosted by Chazaq and Chickens for Shabbos, featured Rabbi Shloime Ehrlich, international speaker, and couples and dating and parenting coach, speaking about living happily ever after.

Rabbi Yaniv Meirov, CEO of Chazaq and Rav of Congregation Charm Circle, welcomed everyone to the virtual shiur.

Rabbi Ehrlich shared that there is always a glue in a marriage. Every relationship requires work on self and work on midos.

He related that a long time ago there was a chasidishe rebbe who worked as a carpenter putting furniture together. He was building a huge room, and he needed to hold two logs together. The problem was that the stumps on the log made it hard to fit them together. When he carved a caved-in area on one log, then the logs could fit together. The way to fit the logs together is to carve out an area so the stump from one can fit into the other one. This is an analogy of the way to have achdus with our spouse or in a parent-child relationship. We have to create space in ourselves for the other person.

Next, Rabbi Meirov asked Rabbi Ehrlich to speak about shidduchim. What should a person look for in a marriage partner? He taught that marriage isn’t custom-designed. Marriage requires us to work on our midos so that we become better human beings. You have to ask yourself what you are ready to deal with. First, there should be physical attraction. Next, we have to figure out what values we share. Most conflicts happen with opposing values. It is nice to have common interests, but what matters most is the values. You should write down the part of Yiddishkeit that is most important to you. For example, do you want to have a house full of guests.

Rabbi Ehrlich emphasized, “I have never met two people getting married who didn’t have to work on some differences.” He gave an example of a couple who went on vacation in Israel. The wife wanted to go touring and the husband wanted to relax. They had two different definitions of vacation. So, they needed to compromise. Every marriage needs to work on compromise. If you aren’t ready to work on growing, then you aren’t ready to marry. “Marriage is a midos workshop!” He added that marriage is exciting, and it is a miracle.

We need to forget petty, silly things, and it is important to share the same values. “Values are the glue in marriage. The rest can be worked out.”

The biggest challenge in marriage is taking things for granted. This is the first way to lose a relationship. Everyone wants a happy marriage. We want a deep meaningful relationship. If we have something, we shouldn’t take it for granted. Marriage is a deep feeling of being loved by someone. The Hebrew word for love – ahavah – has the root hav, which means giving. When you feel someone cares and appreciates you, then you feel loved. He said that we have a yeitzer ha’ra not to feel gratitude because then we owe something. He said, yes, we do owe our spouse. This is a midah that we need to work on. Our avodah is to be grateful to our spouse. As we relate to others, so can we relate to Hashem.

He told a story of a man who received a kidney donation. The donor wanted to remain anonymous. The receiver wished he would reveal himself so he could thank him. This man gave him his life back. So, too, all that we have is from Hashem. We must start living with this appreciation. It is essential, and the only way to be happy is being grateful for what we have.

He then explained that we have to understand that certain things will never change in our spouse. There are some things that can change a little and then there are some things you can tell your spouse to change that they can change. All happy marriages require work. In a happy marriage, the partners are able to appreciate all the things they receive from their spouse. He said he was not talking about an abusive situation, but where there are two healthy people involved.

Rabbi Meirov asked him for advice on how to keep and improve a marriage. Rabbi Ehrlich recommended a weekly date night where you really have a nice date and don’t talk about problems or issues. It’s a time to chill. Close the cell phone and really focus on enjoying your time together.

Marriage has to be rekindled. He said that communication is important. To keep marriage going well, you have to deal with issues together. Make an appointment with your spouse when you need to have a heavy conversation. Say something like, I want to talk to you about ______; when is a good time?

His final message was that Hashem sometimes gives us difficult situations, and if we have a healthy relationship with Hashem, we still connect to Him. If a spouse does something wrong, we need to accept that we can have dual feelings so that we can love someone and be upset with him/her at the same time. We should remember that Hashem is putting us through tough times and Mashiach is coming. Hang on and trust in Hashem. We should merit the g’ulah sh’leimah.

By Susie Garber