News

I don’t know why dentists don’t give their toys out until right before you leave.  They should give their toys out when you get there.  That way, your kids have something to do in the waiting room. 

There are two ways to buy someone a Chanukah present:

1. Ask them point blank what they need.
2. Take a wild guess and hope they like it.

We have to do something to improve the way we do Shalosh Seudos, because people aren’t taking it seriously.

Do you know any family that says, “Oh, we’re not makpid on the Friday night seudah”?

(WARNING: This column contains what people call, “leitzanus d’avoda zara,” not that the avoda zara needs my help making fun of it.  It sort of takes care of itself.  If you are for whatever reason sensitive to such jokes, this might be the wrong newspaper for you.)

When I was a parent of small children, whenever I’d have a hard time, people would tell me, “Just wait until they become teenagers!”

I don’t know what they were talking about. Teenagers are the best. They are literally G-d’s gift to parents.

I’m really excited about my new phone.  

It’s a desk phone.  I don’t know why you’d care.  But everyone’s always subjecting me to listen to them talk about all the features of their phones, so today I’m going to talk about all the features of mine.