I have very strong feelings about helping singles and have been vocal (and literate) about that as well. Throughout the last year, I took it upon myself to do more than just write about singles, the hardships of dating, responding to emails, helping a single (and marrieds no matter the age) laugh, providing chizuk… I took it upon myself to make it personal.
There were a few people who would email me regularly. I’d always be thinking of them, wishing them luck, hoping they overcame an issue they were dealing with at the time… I did not include their emails in any column because they didn’t want their issues to become fodder for conversation, which I respect.
I began talking on the phone and FaceTiming them every few weeks and even met one for lunch near her job one day. What I realized is that these people needed help believing in themselves, their self-worth, and viewing their situation from different sides. They were only able to see themselves and their struggles. I told them that I was not their therapist, but like I write, I can be an ear to vent to and offer practical advice from someone who has “been there, done that.”
What started out as me reaching out to check on these singles morphed into coaching sessions for dating. Others have asked me if I provide classes or private sessions, and I’ve always said no, because I don’t. When I take anything upon myself — a job or a responsibility of any sort — I put my whole self into it, and I haven’t had the time to fully concentrate on doing something like this. If I did, I wanted to give it my all. I would want to help someone as I would want to be helped by another if the situation was reversed.
It turned out, I was able to invest my whole self in these sessions because I care about singles and want them to find their bashert. It was like meeting with a friend, not someone who asked me for assistance. We would discuss common relationship issues, what that specific person felt their biggest challenge or issue was, how they had tried to overcome it, what ideas they hadn’t thought of, what their goals were… Like I wrote, meeting and talking on the phone with these people transitioned into something I never planned on. Now they have given me something to reflect on.
One of them asked if I was able to help a friend of hers; a few weeks later, one of the singles became a kallah. I don’t take credit for her becoming a kallah because I was not with her on dates whispering what to do and say like Cyrano de Bergerac. But she told me that our “talks” gave her time to reflect on what she was going through and more confidence, which led to her being able to communicate better than she had in the past.
These individuals encouraged me to take our “chit chat time,” as one calls it, and turn it into dating sessions. She said stories and advice on a large general scale are great, but “some of us need that one-on-one connection, which I loved. The chizuk I felt after we spoke made my day…”
So now, because I have been in the same position as these people and all my readers know how much this means to me, I am now able to offer private dating sessions. But again, they are friendly sessions of two friends tackling issues the other is having with dating. It’s personal. It’s them getting me all to themselves for the issues they need assistance with.
That’s half the reason why I wrote last week’s column: words count. How you speak with someone may make or break their day, and they carry that with them throughout the day. I hope I am able to help those in need in any way that I can.
Others are still trying to get me to become a shadchan, but I refuse. I know myself, and I would take it personally if I set up two people who were not shiach for each other and one had a horrible experience on the date, ending up worse off than before they went out. I’ll stick with the one-on-one, where I feel a difference can be made.
So, as my new byline reads, I can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. if anyone feels I can be of any help to them.
Dear Goldy,
You gotta just laugh when you hear this. It’s 100% true — see attached pictures. [There were pictures attached to the original email. Unless this person went to crazy lengths to fabricate the story, I believe it.]
I went out on a first and last date last week. I didn’t have a good feeling about this from the moment I agreed to it. The phone call was a disaster. But because I already committed, I didn’t come up with an excuse for why I couldn’t go out, like I know others do. I insisted on going out the next evening to get it over with. I can hear you saying that I didn’t give the guy a fair chance, but sometimes when you know, you know.
The date was okay, but he wasn’t for me and I knew it. I wasn’t mean. I went with a smile on my face and tried not to let my disappointment show. As we were walking back to his car, for some odd reason, he bent down to pet a stray cat. Why would he do that? Why would anyone do that? Was he trying to show me he had a soft spot for animals, which we never spoke about on the date? Was he just trying to be nice? But one life lesson is that you do not pet unfamiliar animals or strays. That’s a big no-no. So why would he be surprised when the cat scratched him?
It was something I warned about, but I didn’t actually think would happen. Like when you warn people not to run with scissors — you don’t really expect them to stab themselves or someone else if they trip. But here we are, and even though it was a small cut, there was a little sliver of blood.
He started freaking out and saying he had to go to the hospital because he needed to get a rabies shot. What? No, no. No one told you to pet a stray. In fact, I told him not to pet the cat. But don’t you need to test the cat for rabies? Only then can you know if you were exposed to rabies. I mean, that’s the education I have from watching television. The cat ran off and he’s leaning on the car cradling his hand. Unbelievable.
Luckily, it wasn’t so late and I knew of an Urgent Care close to where we were. I know what you are going to say — does an Urgent Care treat something like this? I don’t know and I still don’t know. I drove us to the Urgent Care, because he was freaking out. I calmed him down, told him it was probably nothing, but now he learned a lesson (which I’m sure he was taught when he was younger — what child isn’t taught to stay away from strays?).
I stayed with him in the waiting room of the Urgent Care for almost half an hour, and that’s when his name was called. The woman at the desk said the doctor would look at the cut, but she had no idea about rabies. He’s lucky it was only a half-hour wait — he could’ve waited days in an ER.
I’m not sorry. He’s a grown man and it was our first and last date. I drove to the Urgent Care, sat with him, tried to make small talk, and calmed him down. That’s when I took the pictures I sent you. But once his name was called, I think my job and obligation were done. He wasn’t bleeding profusely — or at all, at that point. I wished him well and took an Uber home. I wasn’t going into the exam room with him, and I wasn’t going to wait for who knows how long for him.
He told the shadchan I wasn’t a patient person or an empath. Who even says that — “empath”? But I waited. I made small talk. But I also have to take care of myself. I wonder what your opinion is.
Sharon
Thank you for your email, Sharon.
Quite a story. Thank you for your pictures as well — they lent authenticity to your experience. I’m with you regarding petting stray animals. I was taught as a young child not to do it, mainly because of rabies. I have no idea why your date thought it was okay to pet the cat. Maybe he truly loves animals.
In short, I agree with you. You did your part. It was a first (and last) date. You drove him to the Urgent Care and sat with him, trying to calm him down. No reason for you to accompany him into the exam room — you’re practically a stranger, and who knows what type of health questions would be asked by the doctor or PA. Nothing you need to be privy to. There was no blood — it’s not like you were helping to apply pressure to the wound. You did fine.
I hope you didn’t give him the “I told you so” speech as you wrote in the email. Believe me, your date was probably kicking himself and giving himself a good talking-to in his mind. No need to rub it in, especially if you knew that you were never going to see him again. Please note that if you wanted a second date, my answer would be a little different than the one I am providing.
Just telling me that you drove him to the Urgent Care and tried to keep him calm tells me that you are an “empath.” You are sensitive to others’ needs. If he couldn’t see it and understand what happened — meaning seeing the whole picture — then he needs more help than the doctor or PA could provide. You can walk with your head held high, Sharon. You are a caring person. But yes, who knows what would happen in the exam room, and you are a stranger to this man. You did all you could and were expected to do, especially because you describe the injury as a scratch and not bleeding. The visit to the Urgent Care was a precautionary one. Although, I am curious as to what the end result was.
Are you telling me that others cancel dates if the first phone call isn’t “good”? I could’ve been spared from dozens of horrors if I abided by that policy! To think that others cancel dates after talking one time?! In my day, once you committed, you were in it until the date was over.
What does someone expect to happen in a first phone call? How does a call make you want to cancel a date? You’re two strangers trying to find common ground and topics to discuss — of course it may have awkward moments. That’s why I worry about the younger generation. They need to be amused and entertained at all times; if not, they check out. That’s not how life works. That’s how they end up missing out on what could be the most enjoyable moments in life if they gave it a fair chance and didn’t make their final decision after a five-minute call.
Oyyyy. But what can you do? You did it right, Sharon. You went on the date, took care of yourself, and said goodbye when the time called for it.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and the children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..