Dear Goldy:

Years ago, I dated someone I really liked. He didn’t “feel it,” and stopped seeing me. We went our separate ways; he found his “bashert” and had a family. I kept dating and working on myself: I lost weight, got Lasik surgery, etc.

A few months ago, I heard that he was divorced. A little part of me was excited because maybe this would be my second chance. And I’m almost a new person from what I was then. I’m more confident, look better (yes, one causes the other). I asked the shadchan who had originally set us up if she could try and redt the shidduch. She said she was reluctant to do it because if he was the one who called things off, then why would he want to try again? He may want someone who has been through a divorce, too. She said that a divorcee with or without children may be better suited. I didn’t like that, so I found someone who was willing to make the call.

Unfortunately, he said no to going out. The “shadchan” that I found tried to ask why – was it because I never had the responsibilities of a wife/mother, so I may not be ready or able to adjust to being an instant step mom and someone who isn’t number one in her husband’s heart right from the beginning? I was told that he said it wasn’t that, but he wasn’t very attracted to me when we dated, but he liked my personality and that’s why we kept dating. It was only until he decided that my personality didn’t outshine or make up for what he thought I was lacking in looks, that he broke things off. OMG. I can’t believe he told that to the shadchan. The shadchan didn’t want to push too much but mentioned that my physical appearance changed in the last few years and he may find my physical features as pleasing as my personality. The shadchan said that he reacted with something like, “She’s taking Ozempic and got contact lenses? Still not interested.” Since the shadchan was doing me a favor, she didn’t want to push too hard and accepted his response.

Please don’t think she was mean to tell me what he said, because I begged her to be honest with me. And she was. And now I’m hurt. I didn’t expect him to come out and say something like that. But I have a little voice in my head that keeps saying if he saw me now, he would change his mind. I am now his total package, although I like to think that I was always “the” total package. I go shopping near the area he lives, hoping to “run into him.” I just want him to actually see me and not what he imagines I look like.

Any advice?

 Libby

*****

Thank you for your email, Libby.

My response in a few sentences: Move on! His loss! Whether or not you lost weight and had your eyesight fixed, he made his feelings about you clear. You can have plastic surgery and come out looking like a beauty queen and I bet that wouldn’t be enough for him. And why would you want to date someone that dismissed you based on your looks – your personality stopped outshining your appearance? What about as you age and get wrinkles – plan on getting Botox, brow lift, teeth professionally whitened? Why do you want to be with someone that was that blunt with someone else, because let me tell you, he doesn’t come out smelling like a rose after that story. He couldn’t keep it with, “No, I’m really not interested.” If he didn’t want to say any more, he wouldn’t have. I doubt the shadchan you asked to contact him made him feel cornered and pressured for him to admit it was your physical appearance that turned him off.

Don’t even get me started on what the first “shadchan” said about this. It is for the person being redt the shidduch to turn it down or to accept, not for the shadchan to interject what he or she feels, if they don’t know the person well. If you said that you asked his sister or best friend and was told he’s looking for someone that has been through something similar, I can understand that, but this? I know of a few couples where the husband and/or the wife became instant stepmom/stepdad. One of them had been previously married with a child or several children and for the other, it was their first marriage. Unless this shadchan heard it directly from his mouth, she should keep her ridiculous remarks to herself. And how many times do shidduchim not work out the first time, but when the couple dates months or years later, it works then? Puh-lease! I’m so happy you went and found someone else to try to redt the shidduch.

I know what it feels like to go through a metamorphosis and want to show people the “New You.” The packaging may have changed, but the quality of the product is still the same – maybe even better with time, like with wine. I can only imagine how his words shocked you and I’m sorry. But you have to remember that years have passed. You have changed, as has he. Marriage changes people, children change people, divorce may leave people bitter, or not.

There are a lot of factors that are in play here, but the one thing I know is: internally/emotionally this man is not the same man you dated. He thought he was set on the road to the rest of his life – wife, kids, etc. – and now, for whatever reason, he is not married anymore (and who knows what the custody situation is). He may look the same, but just as a person changes as they mature, so too he may have changed when things seemed to be veering off course – I don’t know.

Yes, looks are important and personality is as well; but how did his words affect you? The way he lumped you together with the thousands who have lost weight with Ozempic and have gotten their vision corrected? Maybe you used Ozempic or another weight-loss drug or maybe you worked hard watching what you ate, working out, etc. The lumping of you together with the masses only makes me see how little he thinks of it. He’s not impressed because “she’s like one of the sheep in the herd doing what everyone else does.” That’s what I thought when I read his response.

Libby, you have always been “the total package.” Weight loss and 20/20 vision can’t change a person that much, because you still are the same on the inside – unless you want others to be envious of your transformation and want to rub it in their faces (Hey, it’s a real thought too). Don’t think of yourself as his total package. As long as you like who you are inside and out, then you (and everyone else reading this) are the total package. But some can’t see it, for whatever the reason, and if they can’t see it, move on. Someone will see you for the real you.

My advice here: Move on and don’t try to “stalk” his neighborhood because that’s creepy, and even though I don’t know you, I know you’re better than that. And what if you did run into him? Do you expect his tongue to roll out of his mouth and his eyeballs to pop out of his head like a cartoon? He may not recognize you or he may and still choose not to care. When someone talks like that about others, it gives you a preview of what they really are. Or maybe he was just having a bad day. Either way, move on.

Hatzlachah to you all!

Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..