On Sunday, July 27, Bikur Cholim of Queens hosted an event at Congregation Ahavas Yisroel featuring Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker, renowned teacher, popular lecturer, relationship counselor, and staff member of Michlalah Jerusalem College. Mrs. Schoonmaker delivered a beautiful shiur on nosei b’ol im chaveiro – carrying the burden of a friend.

Mrs. Schoonmaker explained that we must actively work on developing this midah because we don’t always naturally feel an emotional connection to someone else’s pain. Through this midah, we can train our minds to have empathy and connect more deeply with others.

To become a bigger, greater person, we must cultivate genuine feelings for others and care about them. We need to try to understand what it means to be in someone else’s position. She explained that, instinctively, within the first second of meeting someone, we decide whether that person is a friend or foe based on a primitive response. That’s precisely why we need to counteract this impulse by working on the midah of nosei b’ol im chaveiro.

The Beis HaMikdash was destroyed because of sin’as chinam (baseless hatred), and any generation in which it is not rebuilt is still considered guilty of this terrible sin. We must reach out and try to understand people who are different from us in order to create deeper connections. It takes imagination to truly place ourselves in someone else’s shoes and feel their struggles as our own.

Mrs. Schoonmaker shared a moving story about an interview with a chayal who lost his leg at the start of the war with Gaza. This soldier said, “It was worth it to lose my leg if the Jewish people will be united.”

She then referenced the famous story of a man who came to Hillel and asked him to teach the entire Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel responded, “What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow.” Mrs. Schoonmaker highlighted a striking connection between this Gemara and the soldier’s words: Both emphasize unity, compassion, and transcending self-interest.

She cited the S’fas Emes, who explained that when a person stands on one foot, he feels unstable. The natural response to instability is to become self-absorbed; the antidote, he taught, is to focus outward – think about others, their pain, and their needs. This stabilizes us and elevates us spiritually. Doing bikur cholim (visiting the sick) is a perfect example of leaving our own world to care for others.

The Gemara teaches that when you visit someone who is ill, you take away one-sixtieth of his or her sickness. This primarily applies when the visitor is in the same age group, but the deeper message is that anyone who truly empathizes can connect with other people’s suffering, regardless of age. We must strive to understand what it feels like to be them.

The Gemara in Sanhedrin teaches that when a person feels pain, Hashem’s Sh’chinah also feels pain. Hashem, though not physical, “assumes” body parts to express that He shares in the suffering of humanity.

Mrs. Schoonmaker stressed that even if a person’s illness comes as a result of his own poor choices, we are still obligated to feel compassion for him – just as Hashem does, despite His judgment.

The concept of ahavas chinam – free, unconditional love – calls on us to expand ourselves, to feel for those who are different from us, and to strive to understand their reality.

In life, we encounter many types of people, some very different from ourselves. The midah of nosei b’ol im chaveiro teaches us to set aside judgment and connect with others on a deeper level. It is not about us; it is always about the other person. We must ask ourselves: What does it feel like to be you, and what can I do for you?

“You become a bigger person by thinking of others,” Mrs. Schoonmaker emphasized. People naturally come together during life-threatening situations; we must learn to carry that same unity into daily life.

She then spoke about one of the hostages, Rom ben Tamar Noa, who was 19 when he was taken captive. He was working as a security guard at the Nova Festival and helped rescue others by bringing them to army trucks. He refused to be rescued until he was sure everyone else was safe, saying, “I won’t leave anyone behind.”

Rom’s mother shared that he even ensured the dead were buried respectfully. While hiding in a dangerous position, Rom borrowed a phone to call his mother so she wouldn’t panic. He reassured a fellow hostage, Sasha, telling him they would get out alive and become better people. Sasha – who has since been released – later told Rom’s mother that Rom begins each day with t’filah (prayer). Although Rom’s family is not dati (religiously observant), his mother focuses on prayer and channels her energy toward her son’s safe return.

She asked everyone to pray for her son and all the hostages. “We can accomplish so much when we focus on them,” she said.

When we care about other people, we naturally develop a burning desire to improve their situation. From a Jewish perspective, nothing is truly outside our circle of influence. As Mrs. Schoonmaker beautifully put it, “Your desire makes an action grow.”

We all have the ability to help the hostages. Our heartfelt prayers and yearning for their release have power. Our thoughts and intentions matter. Do not give up; continue to daven and direct your desires to Hashem.

Save the dates of Sundays, September 7 and 28, for upcoming inspirational BCQ events.

To volunteer or to donate, visit bikurcholimqueens.org.

By Susie Garber