What is your communication style? Do you tend to be coercive, intimidating – even bullying at times? Does your friend or partner use language that makes you fearful or anxious? Some feel that if they are suffering, they need to blame others and then make them suffer as well.

This will certainly not help you clarify any of your needs and wants, and will do nothing to solve your problem. Or as they say: Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don’t say it mean. Speak when you are angry – and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.

Do we not all wish to be appreciated? Yes, even you. Humans all need someone they trust and feel safe with. When you hear those words, who comes to mind? Anyone at all? It is truly the only way to reach a true understanding of yourself and your loved ones. Listen, we swore to share everything in marriage – except the last slice of pizza. That’s a non-negotiable.

First, please learn to simply observe your reactions to what happens around you. When he forgets to take out the trash again, simply notice that perhaps your heart rate increased or you became tense.

“I’m not arguing. I’m just telling you why you’re wrong.” Uh oh. Get in touch with your feelings. Do you feel disrespected or dishonored, perhaps? If you do not even know what your needs are, chances are you will feel frustrated, displeased, and disappointed often.

Do your close friends and family members respect your values and beliefs? As Mark Twain once said: The difference between the almost-right word and the right word is really a large matter – ’tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. Ask those whom you trust for specific things that you need.

“I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.” Oh my. All too often our emotions take over, sweet friends. Do you know how to express feelings without getting into a fighting match? If you try to be assertive but non-judgmental with your friend, you are on the right track. If, however, you criticize or manipulate him, you cannot create a relaxing rapport. As they say: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

It’s been noted: Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks? But truly, try not to interpret her motivations without asking. Say things like: “I noticed that you seem…” “What I hear is…” “What I would like you to do is…” By all means, tell him what you find important. Tell her what makes you feel respected or appreciated.

A wise man once said, “I don’t know… ask my wife.” But seriously, learn how to empathetically connect to her. Believe it or not, we humans all have the same basic feelings: anger, sadness, fear, or even envy at times. We also share the same fundamental needs: security, safety, and meaning in our lives. The truth is that most of us are unaware of them.

If I’m going to fight, I’m going to fight for you. Aww. But all too often we end up expressing ourselves in ways that create conflict and confrontation. When you have a strong emotional response to something, you may automatically become judgmental and go on a fault-finding tour with him.

Do you notice when you get triggered? Please breathe deeply and observe without judgment how you feel right now. Think about ways to meet your needs as well as the needs of your loved one. They say: A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out, you do not go and buy a new house. You fix the lightbulb.

Do not listen to her with your defenses up. Practice being soft and open. Look for resolutions to restore your connection with him. Make requests, not demands. Seek harmony. Then again, it’s been observed: The key to a happy marriage is a remote control. And snacks. Lots of snacks.

Say things like: “It seems to me…” or “My take is…” When expressing a thought, please don’t say “I feel that you…” Simply say “I think…” because you are expressing a thought, not a feeling, sweet friends. And that is perfectly okay.

And more importantly – hopefully – your love is stronger than your Wi-Fi signal.

Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens.  She works with individuals, couples, and families.  Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends.  She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.