Almost inevitably, somewhere along the journey of your life, you will come across one of the most universal traits: jealousy. You may even have a close friend who seems to want the best for you, but you have observed some disturbing dynamics in the friendship. He did not seem overly pleased when you announced your promotion at work. If I say congratulations, can we go back to focusing on me now? Sheesh. She was not truly joyful when you revealed your engagement.
Does he ever ask you how your day is going? If he does not, it can feel wounding and stinging. For starters, sweet friends, do not deny that this problem exists. No, you are most likely not imagining things. That side-eye she gave you when you wore that stunning gown may mean exactly what you suspected all along. Then again, a jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Needless to say, we should not expect any relationship to be free of jealousy at times. He may share your work ideals and aspirations, but you got the promotion and he did not. However, most of us are inclined to be dishonest about our feelings of envy. I’m not saying I’m jealous, but if you post one more vacation picture, I’m reporting it as spam. Uh oh.
Of course, you can harbor jealousy even for those you care about or even love. In order to grow, however, you need to process your feelings. I know. Her life looks like a movie, and yours seems stuck in buffering mode. Please do not deny it. Learn to admit it to yourself first and foremost.
Do you remember how easy it was to reveal your envy when you were 5 years old and your best friend got the doll or bicycle you always dreamed of? In a close, trusting relationship, you may even be able to share your envy with the one you begrudge.
You may be surprised to receive a confession from your friend or colleague that he too is green with envy at times. ’Tis human nature, sweet friends. It is not whether or not jealousy exists, but what kind of envy it is.
You do not have to minimize your success or downplay your blessings simply because she admitted that she sometimes feels a longing to have the same fortune. Perhaps she ate two cheesecakes on the holiday and simply does not gain an ounce. Heck, I’ve been watching my weight. It’s still there. Maybe his boss is generous and allows him freedom and dignity at work. I know. If jealousy burned calories, you’d have a six-pack by now.
Your loved ones yearn for support and soothing. Despite your success or luck, your family and friends need to know that you still care about them as much as you ever did. Jealous people rarely admit to these feelings. When something in life goes well for you, please be sure to add reassurance to your friend that you will continue to treasure her as you always have.
If you find yourself feeling envious, know that it could be based in fear. Perhaps you do not feel good enough, attractive enough, or successful enough. Recognizing why you feel jealous is crucial in order to acknowledge or overcome the feelings it evokes in you. He got a Tesla? You’d be happy for his new car if your bike didn’t just lose its kickstand. I get it.
Give yourself permission to be human, please. We all feel things that we do not wish to feel at times. We certainly have thoughts we wish we didn’t have. While feeling jealous may be normal from time to time, it can cross the line into being ugly and unsound. You know I’m not the jealous type, but you better only share dessert with me. Then again, aren’t you getting sick and tired of food having calories?
But truly, if you notice that you and your friend always seem to be competing, it can lead to resentment and ill feelings. If he teases you often in a way that offends you, but then claims he was “just joking,” know that this is criticism disguised as humor.
In friendship, you will most likely at some point in time get something you very much want. Your friend may have always wished for the same: a mate, a job, a promotion. You might have the same goals as your friends, and yes, you can harbor jealousy for those you love. Heck, I’m only jealous of people who can eat falafel without spilling on their shirt.
Learn how to handle your envy with understanding and kindness. Tearing her down does not build you up. Work on your own grass. Then you may not even notice if his is greener. After all, they say: Jealousy is counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.