I would say that the hardest thing about figuring out what to get your spouse for his or her birthday is that they keep having more birthdays. And I mean you want them to keep having more birthdays, but every single one to be honest is a pain in your neck. What do you get them?
And then over the years it gets harder, because they’ve been accumulating stuff. They have a birthday every single year. And you’re like, “I already thought of the best gift idea last year.” This year’s gift can at most only be the second best. It’s not like you thought of the hundred best gifts in the year you got married and have been counting down.
“You will not believe what I get you the year you turn 120! Stick around!”
(HINT: It’s a new kittel.)
And their birthday is always at the same time every year, and it’s always at a bad time for you to think of something. Like you want to get your husband a nice winter coat, but his birthday is in June.
Just one year can’t we do this in November?
Maybe you can get him the same thing you got him a different year. He liked that… Like maybe look at something that your spouse actually uses that is limping along and breaking down, and get them that exact thing.
Of course, some husbands will still say, “I don’t want to get a new one; I want to limp along with this old one,” but you can say, “Fine, so put this one away for the day it breaks.” Or maybe have a kid break it the rest of the way by accident a week before.
Be careful, though, because they probably don’t make the exact model he likes anymore, and the new, improved one is somehow worse. The manufacturers said, “What do people like about our product?” and they guessed all the wrong things.
But what if your husband or wife doesn’t need to replace anything they have? How do you know what to get them?
So #1 is to pay attention when they talk to you. They’ll think you’re doing it for them, but secretly, you’re listening to make your own life easier. Win-win! Though you never know when this will come up in conversation – generally not in the one or two weeks per year that you’re paying attention – so you need to keep paying attention all year long. Set a daily reminder on your phone!
And then if they say they’re having some kind of frustrating issue, and you know of an item that will help them with this issue, you can write it down. And they’ll say, “What are you writing?” and you’ll say, “Nothing!” and they’ll say, “Why are you keeping secrets? I’m already having a bad day.”
Or you can make a mental note to remember it later, and then later you remember that there was something but you forgot what it was. So usually when that happens, you ask your spouse if they remember what you were talking about at the table. Good luck with that.
But then you purchase the item that will solve their problem, and then if their birthday is in six months, let’s say, you let them go on having this problem for the next six months so that when the time comes, you don’t have to think of a gift! And you can stop listening to their problems! Or you can keep listening, and if they mention another problem, you can give them the first item and then secretly buy a second item, like Yosef Mokir Shabbos.
And if you say, “What if I save the second item for next year?” Don’t worry – by next year they’ll have new problems. There is no shortage of problems.
But the issue is that while you’re sitting on their present, they might buy it for themselves in the interim. Without consulting you. Society moves too fast these days. And by then they’ve done the research, and the one you bought doesn’t have the features they want.
Another downside of how things work nowadays is that you used to be able to sneak the present into the house. If you’re ordering it, it comes when it comes, with a big truck and everyone on the block staring out the window in case the truck is there for them, and your spouse is doing that too. In fact, it’s usually on a Shabbos afternoon, and then it sits there in full view until Havdallah, with everybody wondering what it is. Including you.
Unless you order it using a neighbor’s name.
“Oh, they ordered this to our house. It’s her husband’s birthday gift. Don’t say anything to him.”
If you’re a husband, jewelry is an easy answer. Sure, your wife already has jewelry, it all seems to be in good condition, and no jewelry you can afford looks appreciably different from the others. But here’s the thing: Women don’t say, “I already have enough jewelry.” Women are happy to get different variations of it. You can say the same thing about their clothes. Whereas men have, at most, just enough suits to get them through five days of yom tov, unless they have a job that requires them to wear a suit every day, such as President of the United States or suit salesman. But you’re like, “I’m not buying her clothes; what about storage space? I don’t want her to take up even more room in the closet that I need for my five suits of which I mostly wear two on a rotating basis.”
So that’s the amazing thing about jewelry. It’s nice enough to be a gift, but it’s small enough that it takes up basically no space. And if she does have so much jewelry that you no longer have room in your house, you can say, “Why don’t we keep this in a box at the bank?” and she’ll say, “Okay.”
Try that with her clothes.
Jewelry is a great sholom bayis saver. That’s why it costs so much. On the other hand, it costs so much.
(You can get a man jewelry too, but that’s way more limited. He only needs 1-2 watches, you already got him an atarah, and not every man is into cufflinks nor does he need more cufflinks than he has cufflink shirts. He’s not changing his cufflinks more often than he changes his shirt. The only thing you can get him that doesn’t take up space is ties. Because they all fit on the one hanger. And he doesn’t want more ties.)
The only things your spouse is not going to order for themselves are the things that you think they need but they don’t think they need it, so you get it for them, and they’re like, “What’s this?” And you have to explain what is it and convince them that they want it. Like I’m glad I got this thing for you, that you now have to figure out how to fit it into your life.
They can’t just pretend they use it, like presents you get from the in-laws. You live there. You’re getting the spouse an obligation – to pretend they like whatever you get them.
Nothing can compare to the sigh of relief a husband breathes when he opens a present and it’s something he can actually use.
Or you can get them something from the category of items that no one would ever buy for themselves. These items are created to be given by someone else. Those are usually more expensive that they need to be, though. Like if I would buy it for myself, I would buy the cheap version, but if my wife’s buying it for me, she would buy me the nice version. Like a silver mayim acharonim. If a guy were to procure his own mayim acharonim, it would be a plastic cup in a paper bowl. The only reason there are nice ones is so people can get them for each other.
OTHER ITEMS THAT EXIST ONLY TO BE GIFTS:
- Fancy wine stoppers (Who’s losing that many corks that this is something they need on a regular basis?)
- Matching bentcher sets (Are these for people who never get invited to weddings? If you want them to match, you can just take 12 from the same wedding. “Boy, you guys are really into this couple!”)
- A matches holder to put near the candles (Which looks really nice on Shabbos next to the pile of used matches that you had to fight with instead of getting a lighter.)
- An expensive tzedakah box (The richer the person, the nicer their tzedakah box.)
- Towels with initials on them (Where are you losing your towels?)
- Paintings of the word “Yerushalayim.”
Or you can be one of those couples who, for the sake of sholom bayis, just buy themselves something, so that when people ask, “What did your spouse get you?” they can just say that thing, and everyone goes, “Wow, that’s so nice! You’re a lucky person.” Sometimes they actually send their spouse a link beforehand, like, “This is what I’m getting myself. From you. I’m showing you so that when people ask, we’re on the same page.” And then the spouse breathes a sigh of relief.
Or they say, “Well, I actually did get you something.”
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.